I drive for hours and when i get there i forgot the directions there. Or I'll find clothes in the washer that have been there for days. I hear the microwave beeping telling me the food is still inside and it's already cold. Dreams, after all, don't hurt quite as much. Though it's confusing, it's also what protects many people with DID from totally succumbing to the pain of their memories. That would be substantially more than unsettling, yes?ĭissociative memory is often too disjointed and broken up to feel like memory in any traditional sense. What you were sure was a horrifying creation of your subconscious mind was actually a form of remembering. Imagine though, that your most disturbing nightmare was proven real. It might not sound unsettling to find out that your uneventful dream about shopping at the mall was, in fact, a memory. What results is often a maddening conviction that you're haunted by things that never even happened. They may report seeing movies in their minds that, taken individually, don't make any sense. They may say they know a particular event happened, but have no recall of it at all. They are plagued by snippets of emotion, flashes of images, and physical sensations that may manifest separately or in any combination. Take a minor occurrence like my shopping dream, add severe trauma to the dream's narrative, chop it into pieces, and send it back in time by thirty years and you have an idea of what remembering childhood trauma is like for many people with DID. The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook, Deborah Haddock Dissociative Memory and Childhood Trauma In the case of DID, however, until enough system work has been done in therapy, the adult will probably be at a loss to explain her experience. If a girl experienced abuse in the woods on an autumn day at the age of nine and goes walking in the woods on an autumn day thirty years later, she may experience physical reactions similar to what was experienced during the original abuse. But what if the elements of memory were stored separately? Would it still feel like memory? Would we even recognize it as memory? We tend to think of remembering as the retrieval of cohesive sets of images, sounds, emotions, and sensations that serve as recordings of our histories. Dissociative Memory Doesn't Feel Like Memory
It didn't, and still doesn't feel like a memory at all. It's only because I have dissociative identity disorder (DID) and am aware of my dissociative memory problems that I believed her when she said it wasn't a dream. "We did that yesterday." How did I confuse reality for a fiction created by my dreaming mind? Memory is a tricky thing and dissociation complicates remembering. It wasn't a particularly noteworthy dream but I mentioned it in passing to her anyway. We strolled through the stores, bought a few things, and went home. I dreamed I was at the mall, shopping with my partner.
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